I pray that Jesus would lead specific people to read this post.
The cost of following Jesus is real and it is heavy. It’s only October and it feels like I’ve been a fourth year for much longer. The weight and authority I carry as a representative of Christ has got me feeling worn down. I struggle with being vulnerable and allowing people to know what’s going on and lately it’s been so hard to verbalize why I’ve been feeling this way. It’s as if I don’t trust even my closest friends to be able to bear my burdens because I know just how heavy it can be to bear theirs. I’ve been feeling this way for the past couple of weeks and I think today was just the breaking point. ” class=”wp-more-tag mce-wp-more” title=”Read more…” data-mce-resize=”false” data-mce-placeholder=”1″ />
I’ve been struggling with give-a-year, but not in the sense of “should I go or not go”, but “Why me God? Send someone else, Lord.” It’s been made clear that that is what God will have for me after graduation, but I didn’t realize how hard it would be to give up the things being offered to me. Comfort, security, reputation, parental approval, stability, etc. I am a 4th year nursing student and our classes are tailored towards success in finding a job after graduation, which means almost every day of the week I’m being tempted to disobey God’s call and do what I want or what I think I want. And it doesn’t help that I haven’t gotten a clear place to give-a-year. I’m getting pieces, but I sense God knows my heart isn’t ready to come to terms with His decision and the reality of what it’ll cost me. I feel insecure in what I am doing and not letting God work in me.
I’m angry and frustrated with myself. My flesh is so weak and prone to wander.
At the same time, I feel isolated because I feel like at times I’m the only one who’s sober to the idea of what give-a-year is going to look like. I don’t see it as a “woah that’s so cool that’ll be so exciting” or “wow. You’re going to have so many cool experiences and stand out when you come back from it” or even “I have nothing else to do, so why not just give-a-year”. And while none of those are innately bad thoughts or notions, that’s just not where I am. Everything about this feels sober. I have no idealized notion of what it’ll look like doing ministry abroad or fantasies of people coming to Christ by my words. Language learning will be DIFFICULT and time consuming, the community of believers will look different, and a lot of days will be moving the rocks out of the garden for us to even plant the seeds.
But in Luke 14:25-33, Matthew 8:18-22, and John 6:60-71, Jesus warns His people about the cost of following Him. It is real and it is heavy, but if His warnings are still true today than I also believe His promises to be true and those are what I need to hold on to in times of weakness.
I pray that He would protect me from the enemy and the lies of not being equipped to be a nurse after going away for a year. I pray that He would be my cornerstone and rock. And I pray for strength to be the person He is calling, equipping, and cultivating me to be. May I seek to Live Dead.